Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
