So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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