I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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