i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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