can we get nightvision for the apartment?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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