So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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