She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
