My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
