Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
