You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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