I wish life had little blips of pornography
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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