the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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