I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Enjoy the penises
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
