Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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