That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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