just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
