Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
