what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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