my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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