Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
