She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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