My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
