You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
