my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
