If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
