if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
