i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
