i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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