Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
