i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
