Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
