OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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