Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
