At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
