The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
