I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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