I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
