Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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