I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
