So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
