I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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