Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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