I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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