Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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