I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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