Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
