I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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