Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
