guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
