Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
