dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize