Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
