I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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