Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
