someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
