I'm laying in your front yard are you home
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
