your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So vagazzling was a success
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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