I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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