there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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