oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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