So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
